Navigating the Unknown

February 17 is National Caregivers Day. Shatterproof Ambassador Dee shares what it’s been like caring for her son through his addiction and recovery, and talks about how she learned to take care of herself, too.

My son was addicted to opioids. His recovery took two years, with two out-patient and finally one in-treatment program. On January 28, he celebrated 5 years sober.

For me, the most difficult part of caring for someone struggling with addiction is navigating unknown territory. I knew nothing about addiction, so it was like traveling on a road with no lights. I was trying to save my son’s life, while also learning about the disease, searching for the best resources to find help for my son, and trying to be a virtual lo-jack so that my son wouldn’t get into any legal trouble. All while trying to run a company, and take care of my family. Once he was in treatment, that’s when I actually could breathe a sigh of relief, and used that time to put myself back together mentally and physically, because honestly the real work for them begins once they leave treatment.  

They say out of the ashes comes beauty. The most rewarding part has been all of the extraordinary people I have met and continue to meet on this journey. It has given me strength that I never knew I had, and it has given me a new voice to share with others.

You often hear people say “relapse is a part of recovery”, but you never think it will happen to your son or daughter, and you never really understand the magnitude of relapse. When my son relapsed, it happened without me and my husband really knowing. We thought, “okay, our son went to treatment, we’re good”—wrong! It wasn’t until we really learned about addiction as a chronic disease that we understood this is a lifetime disease, that is always there, so the effects are forever—for everyone. Addiction is a family disease.

The hardest part of caring for someone with addiction is remembering to care for yourself. When this all first started, I would talk to others or go to a group and they would tell me to take care of yourself. I would go home and say, “are these people out of their minds? care for myself, I’m trying to save my son from overdosing!”

Little did I know the only way I could save my son was to save myself. I believe that is a lesson no one can really tell you. You must learn it for yourself, in your own timeframe. I have a saying: while my son is in recovery, we too are in recovery every day.

Today, I have surrounded myself with others who have travelled this long and painstaking road. I have enveloped myself in advocacy work with Shatterproof, I have started an online support group, Soul Sisters, that is truly a safe-haven for other parents who are struggling with a child or loved one’s addiction. Seeing others share their stories, their losses, their struggles, what they did that worked, what they did that didn’t work, gives you the strength and understanding to move forward. Without my original Soul Sisters (whom I have never met in person), I don’t know where I would be today.

Unless you travel this journey, you can never really understand the magnitude of addiction and how in a moment it will change your life forever. The veil of secrecy is truly the most devastating part of addiction for both the person with the substance use disorder and the families. The negative stigma is paralyzing. We have to turn our wish of shattering the stigma of addiction into a reality by educating society.

The best advice I would give for the caregiver is to reach out to others who have walked in the darkness. They will be your guiding light. And always remember where there is life there is hope, underneath your loved one’s addiction is a beautiful loving person who is struggling every day to emerge. They are suffering as much as you, and I ask you please, don’t ever forget that.

Originally published in 2017.