Honoring a Loved One's Memory

Remembering a lost loved one is a unique experience that varies from family to family.

For far too many families across the nation, the cause of that loss is addiction. The CDC reported over 100,000 fatal overdoses occurred in the U.S. during the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic. All those lives lost mattered. Many were individuals with an entire life ahead of them—individuals who were deeply loved, admired, and who had families of their own.

A special part of honoring a life lived is that each family can choose how, exactly, they will do so. As Shatterproof’s Manager of Memorials and Constituent Stewardship, I am honored to support families as they remember their loved ones gone too soon. I know it can seem daunting at first, but I see every day the deep satisfaction that many families feel when they choose to actively celebrate the life of their loved one and honor their memory.

So, where to start? How do families navigate this difficult journey?

For this article, I sat down with Joanne and Sarah Preston, who lost Bart Preston, a beloved father, son, husband, and extraordinary human being. While the Prestons will never forget Bart, they make it a priority to honor his legacy each day. In doing so, the Prestons created a harmonious, loving home environment for themselves.

When speaking to Sarah and Joanne, they emanated a sense of peace. I learned that Joanne, Bart’s mother, helps take care of Bella and Aijah, Bart’s and Sarah’s daughters, while Sarah works and completes her PhD in English literature at the University of Oregon. Life is not easy without Bart, but they make it work together. One of the many things that Joanne shared is how thankful she is for the moments that she spends with her granddaughters. Bart’s memory is at the center of every family interaction from their daily devotional time to their bedtime stories. As Joanne puts it, “Every night, when we pray together, Sarah always thanks God for the time that we had Bart, for his presence, for his laughter, joy, and creativity. Sarah always does a beautiful remembrance of him that the girls are listening to when we pray.”

Joanne joined Al-Anon five years before Bart's passing as a means to help her cope with the disease.

At Al-Anon, she found support to help her understand her son’s addiction at a deeper level and in ways that showed compassion to Bart and his experiences. A notable part of the healing process was the support received from family and friends. As Sarah explained, “I've never seen such a beautiful side of humanity than when Bart passed and the flooding of support on Facebook, in letters, cards, and calls. People who I didn't even really know that well but heard the story, wanted to pray for us, check- in and send us stuff.  There are still friends of Joanne's that will love and support us in more ways than maybe if Bart were here. I feel like understanding the disease and knowing that he didn't do that on purpose and knowing that he's free from the torture and torment that he described to me, having our faith, and our huge network of support, was overwhelmingly helpful.”

For this family, an important element of honoring Bart is remembering the lessons that he taught his family.

For Sarah, who met Bart in the service industry, one thing she learned was to stand up for herself. As she put it, “He really helped to teach me where to draw lines and to be the best server I could be, but without being walked all over and taking care of myself. I really admired him for that.” As for Joanne, Bart taught her to let go of the things she wasn’t in control of. She mentioned, “As Bart's mom, the greatest thing I learned was that I'm not in control and I don't have to control everything. The other thing about Bart is that he was very loyal, and I admired that so much. When he had a friend, he did everything to maintain that respect and that friendship. His sense of humor was off the chart.”

We all have special ways to remember our meaningful connections with the ones we love.

For the Prestons, they honor Bart each year through the celebration of his birthday, which involves the whole family. They’ll go to a restaurant and enjoy Bart’s favorite food, burritos. In addition, spending time with Bella and Aijah, their children, is especially important—being around a 10- and 6-year-old brings great joy to the family.

Because we are each on our respective journeys, one thing that has changed for the Prestons is that they no longer celebrate the anniversary of Bart’s passing. At the beginning, this was done by doing activities that reminded them of Bart, but they soon realized that they didn't want to commemorate his death. Instead, Joanne and Sarah decided to change that day into a time to sit with their feelings and show grace to each other due to the deep emotions that arise leading up to the week of Bart’s death anniversary. As they put it, “It's happening, and your body doesn't forget it and you're irritable and you're grumpy and you're tired and you don't know what's happening. Then you're like, oh wow, okay. That's where we're at.”  

While it is essential to keep the memory of Bart alive in their daily living, it is equally beneficial for the Preston family to self-care.

They make it a priority to center wellness in their lives. Doing this helps in raising strong, healthy girls. Sarah and Joanne make time to care for themselves and their children by always ensuring to:

• Pay attention to their mental health
• Continue and protect their devotional time
• Perform daily physical activity
• Get out of the house for fresh air
• Eat nutritious food
• Take moments to breathe
• Stay up-to-date with Al-Anon literature
• Connect with peers who have lost children and sick family members

Additionally, they nurture their family by doing activities involving Friday movie nights, game nights, and making dinner together. They also take time to visit Sarah’s parents on Sundays and enjoy long walks by the river. Bella and Aijah love their one-on-one mommy dates, where they get to paddle board and go canoeing. Family time is important, encouraged, and keeps them hopeful for the future. The Prestons shared that they live joyful lives because they are confident in their identity as Christians, which drives them on the daily.  

In the midst of their own journeys, Joanne and Sarah would like families experiencing a similar loss to theirs to keep this in mind:

"Your journey is going to look different than somebody else's. It's like birth, every single person is born with a unique fingerprint. So don't compare yourself and allow yourself to grieve.” Sarah added, “thinking about a spousal relationship, children, and about the loss, living with someone who has this disease is not easy. I'm thankful that my girls will only know the beautiful parts of Bart because the disease had some terrible parts, and they don't have to know that. I don’t sit and think about those hard parts unless there's sort of a trigger. Now we just get to honor him and it's painful. It’s always going to be. Sometimes there will be a bad day and that's okay, just let it be a bad day. Even Bella will do it; she was two and a half when Bart passed and she'll still be like, ‘I miss my dad.’ I sit, talk to her, and talk through it. It's not like it ever goes away. Just keep working on it, keep learning about self-care and stay open. Also, laughter is the best medicine. Laughing releases, stress, and tension. You can't be angry when you're laughing. We're so blessed to have kids that make us laugh. It just changes the atmosphere. It is probably the best part of self-care."

Even though Bart will forever live in the hearts of the Prestons, the act of honoring his memory is centered around love, purpose, and a special connection to the things he enjoyed.

Also, how his life touched his friends and family and how his sense of humor made situations better. The Prestons dedicate time to their different, but common, grief journeys and in fostering a sense of well-being for their family in the most wholesome ways possible. Joanne and Sarah’s hope for their children is for them to grow up being secured in who they are and to know that their father loved them unconditionally and didn’t want to leave them. They are raising their girls with a strong sense of self, and devotion to their faith, all while keeping Bart’s legacy alive.

Maritza Hiciano is Shatterproof’s Manager of Memorials and Constituent Stewardship.