The most dangerous lies people tell are the lies they tell themselves.
For me, the lie I told myself was pretty big. My whole life up to a certain point, especially the 24 years I spent addicted to cocaine, was a lie.
From the outside, it looked like I was living the dream: beautiful wife, home, kids, even the picket fence. But in terms of my emotions and inner self, I lived behind a mask.
I had been wearing this mask since I was just 9 years old. That’s when my father died, and everything changed. My mother simply couldn’t manage, and I took on the task of being the man of the house. I helped my mother deal with my younger brother, who became increasingly unstable and abusive over the years. I grew up with fear, anxiety, and depression. I worried about our family’s financial situation. I felt like I wasn’t good enough.
At first, cocaine seemed to be the answer to all those feelings. But really, it made it that much harder to share my true self to others. Reality was scary, and I had convinced myself that who I truly was would scare people away.
Then one day, when I was still in addiction and working toward lasting recovery, my therapist told me something that changed my perspective.
She said, “If you don’t share who you really are with the people in your life, you’ll never get better.”
And I really wanted to get better.
Part of the road to recovery involves making amends. It means you have to lay aside all of those lies you’ve been telling for so long, take off your mask, and be vulnerable in front of the people you have hurt. You have to show your true self to everyone—including people who didn’t realize you had an addiction, or people who might judge you for it. For so long, I was too afraid to try.
But I wanted to live, and live joyously. And that became my motivating force to come out from behind my mask. Now, I live freely being the authentic me, and I no longer fear the burden my real self might be to others.
I share my story because I hope it will help others feel less alone, or less afraid to step out of addiction and away from their own lies.
The pain of the past isn’t a burden, but a motivation to push on. If I could prevent even one person from having to go through the pain and suffering I went through, or show them how to use their pain to find strength, then I have done my job.
Now 10 years in recovery (11 in December), I can look back and be proud of the distance I’ve traveled in walking out the other side. I hope I can bring others along with me. It’s a hard journey, but one that people don’t have to walk alone.
Alan Charles is a motivational speaker and writer who has been in recovery for 10 years. He speaks all over the U.S. in schools, businesses, and other environments where people are interested in hearing the truth about addiction. His memoir is called Walking Out the Other Side: An Addict’s Journey from Loneliness to Life.
Originally published in 2018.